First let me introduce myself before I tell you the story of my life. I am Jenna Gillis and I am 31 years old.

I remember it well, it was a stormy, dark night in my hometown Greensville in South Carolina. I just moved out of my parents house and shared an appartment with my best friend Lindsey Sheel. I was 20 years old and had no idea what the future was going to bring me. If only I had known.

I cant sleep. Tomorrows my birthday. That day has always been a sad day too. 21 years ago my mother Sarah gave birth to twins.  I was told that short after delivery my twinsister, Lyssa, wasnt strong enough to live and ended her short life. My mother never got over that but I do know shes grateful to have me and my three years older brother Michael. Ever since I was told of this tragedy Ive felt a presence with me, an unexplainable one. Id like to think its Lyssa. At my birthday I always visit her grave with my mother, father Matt and brother. We just stand there and tell her things weve done, just like shes there with us.

I close my eyes and I get tired thinking of how Lyssa would be like. I fall asleep.

Faintly I hear noises. I know its Lindsey preparing my birthday breakfast like she promised. When I finally open my eyes I see the sun shining brightly through my window. It will be a warm and beautiful August day today. I get dressed and walk to the kitchen. Lindsey hugs me and insists that I first open her present. Its a bracelet, the same one Lindsey has. She tells me it was sold by an old indian man who lives in the woods and believes it has magical powers. I find it so typical for her to buy these sort of things. She has a lot of good luck charms and that sort of things. Shortly after breakfast my brother and parents pick me up and we visit Lyssa. The graveyard is on top of a small mountain. Its just so peaceful there.

Sometimes when I feel lonely or have problems I go there. The thought of Lyssa being there with me comforts me.

Afterwards we return to my appartment. In the afternoon my family ususally visits me. And for the evening I invited my friends to come over. Later in the evening well go out together. There are a few cafes downtown. I always like going out, then its like the whole world around you just disappears for a moment. All that matters is that you and your friends are there. But Ive never had a lot of luck with guys. I guess I always fall for the wrong kind of guys. The kind that cannot commit to you. They like so much to see you but there not ready for a relationship of any kind. Unfortunately I wanted that commitment and I guess that also scared a lot of guys. I know myself so well with that sort of things. I do not fall in love easily but when I do, its so intense that its very hard to get over it. I had something with a couple of guys but it never worked. I always wonder if its me.

Michael asked me a while ago if he could bring his new girlfriend along to my birthday, Colleen Anderson. I said I was excited to meet her. Michael once had a girlfriend years ago. They were very close, but she broke Michaels heart when she cheated on him with another guy. Later she said that she didnt realize how good Michael was for her and she wanted him to forgive here. He didnt, he never mentioned her name again. I am glad hes trying to work on a relationship again. I just hope Colleen doesnt break his heart again. I could tell from the way he talked about her that he was pretty in love with her.

Michael arrives last of the family. When I open the door I see Colleen. Its a pretty girl. But there was something about the way she looked. When I look closer she suddenly looks familiar, but I cant remember knowing her or ever seeing her. I just smile and welcome her. Colleen gives me two presents, Michael says she picked one out. I curiously open that present. Amazed I take the necklace out of the little box. Its a necklace with a bright blue dolphin. I had the exact same necklace years ago. I try to hide my amazement, cause I feel the time is not right to ask about it. The other present is a cellular phone. Im so grateful for it. I remember Michael asking me a while a go if I would want to have a cellullar. I think I answered that I wanted one but that I thought they were to expensive. I thank them both. The hours pass by and I cant help thinking about the necklace. But when I see how Michael is looking at her and how everyone is trying to make her feel welcome I try to let it go.

Me and my friends are finally on our way to the cafe called Orion. When I take a good look around I see a guy. A fairly handsome guy but with a mysterious look, talking to his friends. I wonder why I notice him. When I look again our eyes meet, I look away. Why would he be different from the other guys Ive met? A funny feeling tells me Im going to see him more often. I tell Lindsey about my discovery. Lindsey doesnt find anything special about him. I try to forget about him and enjoy the rest of the evening. I see Jack McPherson looking at me. I once fell for him. We were a couple for a short time until he said he needed more freedom. Lindsey tells me she heard he regrets that decision and he wanted to try getting me back. But I have this huge feeling of pride. I dont know if its a good thing but it keeps me from going back to Jack, although I still like him so much. Its also very hard to get over him, I think I still havent succeeded in that. Weve tried to be friends after our breakoff but you know how that goes. It will never be like before. None of my friends understood what I saw in him. I guess its because he always tries to pretend having no emotions. But I know him better, Ive seen his emotions and I understand why he needs to be strong. His father committed suicide a couple of years ago. He has a little sister and a mother to take care of and be strong for. Jack and I have shared a lot. We even spend the night together once. It was a year after his father died. He was so depressed. He called me to please come over because he was alone and needed company. I didnt expect it to happen. I was trying to make him feel better. We just sat close beside each other on his bed. We had been together for a month then. When we kissed we just couldnt control our feelings anymore and we surrendered to each other. It was a wonderful night. He was so sweet. I had never seen him like this before. Afterwards I fell asleep in his arms. It was about two weeks after that, that he ended our relationship. I was so astonished. For weeks Ive felt so bad. I just gave myself to him, I trusted him. I think if I would ever go back to Jack, I could never trust him like I did before. I pretend I dont see Jack and try to find the cute guy. I dont see him anymore, maybe my feelings were wrong. When the music stops I know its time to go home. I say goodbye to my friends and return home with Lindsey.

Its pretty late when we arrive home so I go to bed. Im so tired that I fall asleep instantly.

I suddenly wake up and realize that its still dark, its 4 am and Im wide awake. Suddenly I remember my dream. I saw Colleen gently swinging my necklace in front of me. I get out of bed and open my jewelry box to look for the necklace I had years ago. My necklace isnt there. I must have lost it or something. Since I was little I wrote down my dreams if I could remember them. I tried to discover what they meant. I mean they must have a purpose or something. Maybe some dreams are warnings, others could be predictions of the future. If they wouldnt have a purpose they wouldnt exist. Thats what I believe. So what was this dreams purpose? I think about it for a while. I try to go to sleep again hoping that a next dream would reveal more.

Friday is a boring day. I watch some movies on tv. Im looking forward to Saturdaynight. Lindsey and I agree to go to the cafe Orion. Maybe I would see my mysterious stranger again.

I wake up Saturdaymorning when my alarmclock rings at 8 am. I have to go to work. I work at the local supermarket. Saturday is never a very busy day so I usually work alone with my boss Rachel Shaver. I remember she said she hired a new guy and he would begin today. I make myself breakfast and leave on my mountainbike. When I enter the supermarket after unlocking the back door the new guy steps towards me. He looks pretty handsome with his tanned skin. He introduces himself as Nick Evans. Hes not from around here, I can tell from his accent. He has dark eyes and hair. I notice his necklace with a white wolf. During my break I ask Rachel if Nick can join me for a few minutes, it is really quiet in the shop so she agrees. I ask Nick to join me. When he walks closely behind me I can just feel his eyes looking at me. When I ask him where he comes from he answers that his father is a native american, a cheyenne, and lives in a reservation with his american mother in Dakota. His father is called white wolf, hence the necklace, to honour his father. When I ask him what hes doing here he changes the subject by asking me about my family. I tell him my parents originate from Scotland and that my mother was carrying me when they moved to Canada to become farmers. But the farmers life was hard and poor. Then my father was offered a job at an insurance company in Greenville, so we moved. We spend the rest of the break talking about our plans for the future. The rest of the day Rachel learns Nick how things work here in the shop. When we close the shop I wish Rachel and Nick a nice weekend. I get on my bike for a 30 minutes trip back to my appartment. When Lindsey and I finished eating we get dressed for the night. I plait my long dark hair and put on a nice shirt with skirt and boots. When Linsdey enters my room she tells me I look great. I feel great too.

But I havent always felt like this. Until recently I often had these moodswings. I wasnt happy with myself. I often wished I looked differently and wanted myself to be more spontaneous. There was usually always something wrong: my hair, my clothes, my body. I dont know when or how but there was a moment when I had enough about feeling bad. Ever since that moment Ive never felt better, I was happy and satisfied with my looks. When I look back now I really regret every second Ive wasted by thinking about what was wrong with me. I think Jack helped me a lot. More than he realizes. He made me feel beautiful and happy, and there is no gift greater than that. But I shouldnt think about Jack anymore.

Lindsey and I leave for Orion. Its pretty crowded at Orion. Kelly Carter joins us at the bar. Shes an old friend of Linsdey. I dont know her really well but shes always been friendly when I see her. We stand there talking for a while. Kelly and Lindsey have to go to the toilet so I stand there alone. I feel a hand on my shoulder so I turn around. I cant believe my eyes, its the cute guy! If only Lindsey could see me now. He says he had to make up for last time. I say I dont understand. He says he noticed me and he wanted to know who I was but he didnt dare approach me and did nothing. He says he hoped he would see me again so he could get another chance. He says his name is Billy ONeill. I see Kelly and Lindsey coming back. I see Lindseys face that can barely hide her amazement. Kelly and Lindsey go stand somewhere else and leave me alone with Billy, how smart of them! We just talk for hours about everything. As Billy is talking I wonder if wed have a future. Billy tells me about his family, about his hobbies and plans for the future. He seems so perfect, maybe a bit too perfect. He has a one year older brother Robin, with whom he lives at an appartment. He often goes for a walk into the mountains, he plays football. I aks him why he came to me, since there were so many girls. He cant really explain. He just felt a mutual attraction and he liked the way I looked. I smile. The music stops. It is time to go home again and I dont want to leave him. We leave Orion. We stand there looking at each other. Billy asks me if he can kiss me. Of course I agree. It feels really great. Its a long, warm kiss. He asks for my phonenumber. I find a candy wrappaper in my pocket and write down my number. I knew the pen I always leave in my pocket would come in handy sometime. He gives me a kiss on my forehead. No guy has done that yet. What would it mean? It was a nice gesture, but less personal than a real kiss. Did I do something wrong, was there something wrong with our first kiss?  He says hell call me soon and disappears in a dark alley. Kelly and Lindsey walk towards me and say they want to know everything. I tell them about our conversation and our kiss. Lindsey is almost more excited than I am. Lindsey and I bring Kelly home. After that we walk towards home. I tell Lindsey I really hope Billy is going to call. A while ago I gave my phonenumber to a guy, he never called and I never saw him again. Lindsey reassures me by saying that she feels Billy is different and that hed be a fool not to call. At home we take one last drink. Lindsey looks at me I know she wants to tell me something. Finally she does. First she asks me to keep it a secret. Im getting curious. I promise her I will keep whatever it is a secret. She tells me she and two other girls, Kelly and Josie Hannah form a sort of group. They are into magic and withcraft. She asks me if I would like to come along tomorrow. I tell her I would like to but that I dont understand why she didnt tell me about the group before. She says that the group exists for four years now. I got to know Lindsey after that and she was afraid it would scare me and later she didnt want to jeopardize our friendship. I say I understand but I also tell her that our friendship has become so strong that nothing can break it. Im glad Lindsey invited me, its kind of exciting too, although I have my doubts about magic and all. I can hardly sleep that night. I think about Billy all the time. I put on the tv and watch this midnight horror movie and before I know it I fall asleep.

The next day Im excited to meet Josie. Kelly and Lindsey look like average girls, no one could expect them to practise magic. I wander what Josie is like. Lindsey and I have breakfast together. Later we arrive at Josies house, it looks like an old house, it looks a bit creepy actually. Before we can ring the bell a girl opens the door. She wears a black dress and a necklace with strange things. But she smiles and she says shes glad to meet me. Kelly is already there. We sit in a dark room. Candles are buring bright and dried, strange looking flowers decorate the walls. Josie says her parents dont know about this and since they always visit family on the Sundays she has all the freedom she needs. I ask what kind of things they do. They tell me they perform rituals, like birthday rituals and they cast spells, like love spells and protection spells. On the table I see a lot of old books. I also see a Ouija board. Ive seen it in a movie once. Its a flat board with letters and numbers and the words yes and no etched on the surface. When called on, spirits guide the pointer on the board to spell answers to questions. I often heard stories about Ouija boards but I never believed those, I mean get real, a specific ghost from the afterlife is supposed to be evoked to answer questions. I just think people are trying to scare each other for their own fun or to make their lives more exciting. Its like myths and legends, I think they are all made up by people with too much fantasy who wanted more excitement in their and other lives.

Josie places the Ouija board on the table. Burning candles are placed on every corner of the table. I lay my finger on the pointer like the others. Josie tries to summon a ghost. She asks if there is a spirit present. Nothing happens and I try not to laugh. Suddenly the light of the candles extinguishes. For a moment Im surprised. Then I look around. Its an old house, so there must be a draft. That would explain why the candles went out. Kelly whispers that an entity must be present because they do not like the warmth. I wonder if she really believes that. I notice the pointer moving, I lift my finger up a little, its really moving. To the the word yes. While they are asking questions about the entity, who it is and what kind of life it had, Im looking at the fingers and try to determine who is moving that pointer. But I cant tell. The entity answers every questions with answers that anyone could make up. I see Lindsey looking at me. She says I should ask a question, about my own life. Something personal what only I know. I ask what is ingraved in my ring. I bought it in a shop which sold only foreign items. I later discovered the inscription but had no idea what it meant.

The pointer moves to k. Its the right first letter, well 1 out of 26 is not bad but it doesnt convince me yet. But when the pointer moves to form the word karnel I pull my finger back. Kelly wants to know if the board was right. I start thinking, maybe I told Lindsey this once, or she saw it sometime. But would Lindsey really fool me? Another option comes in mind. Maybe it has something to do with your sub-concious. I believe that its responsible for generating dreams, so if it could do something complicated like that, why couldnt it fool your senses and make you believe you arent the one moving your fingers, while in fact you are the one moving that pointer. I say the answer is right. I ask if I can ask the same question without placing my finger on the pointer. Josie tells me this cannot be done because all the persons present have to make contact with the pointer. Josies answer makes me believe in my explanation with the sub-concious stronger. I wonder then why I always feel the need to have an explanation about everything. I try so hard to explain everything with science and common sense. I guess because science is solid and real. I mean no one has been able to prove the existence of God, alien live or supernatural forces yet. Maybe some people just need to have something that they cant understand or explain. Believing in these things propably makes them feel not so alone anymore in this infinite universe. They need something bigger than science to put their faith in, I mean what would you rather have, someone like God to watch over you or scientifically explanations and no one to watch over you? Of course Id like someone to protect and watch over me. But I think its all up to yourself how you end up. You make choices yourself and these choices influence your life in a good or bad way. I dont think a supernatural force or a God is responsible for your whole life, you do it all yourself, you and sometimes other people are responsible for changes to happen, nothing else. Im not saying its wrong to believe in something like God, especially not when that makes you stronger and gives you faith, but Im not convinced yet of the existence of such a force. However Im not too sure about alien life yet. Its selfish to think were alone in the universe. We dont even know how big it is, nothing is infinite but then again could the universe have an end? There cant be an end. It would be strange if only one planet of so many out there would have intelligent life forms like us. Why are we here anyway? Sometimes I wish I had all the answers, but then again, life would get pretty boring without speculation and discoveries of unknown things.

Im pulled out of my thoughts when I hear Josies voice inviting us to stay for dinner. So we do. Im glad I came. It hasnt convinced me of anything like supernatural forces but it has given me a lot to think about.